Gerard Rukenau ([info]rukenau) wrote,
@ 2008-05-23 00:26:00
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Current mood:pensive

Зогатко
The verse below is a translation, or a rendition, of a famous Russian verse. Which one?

Name

Her tongue slipped when she said my name;
But, when these sounds she gently uttered,
In loving soul all dreams--the same
As those of old--awoke and fluttered.

In front of her I, thoughtful, stand,
My eyes on her, not strong enough
To go. I say: my dear friend.
I mean: my friend, you are my love.



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[info]9000
2008-05-22 08:39 pm UTC (link)
A nice touch in the first line which is not directly translatable to English.

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[info]rukenau
2008-05-22 09:15 pm UTC (link)
Well, there's a translation which sort of tries to capture that with "thou" and "you", but I didn't like it.

Upd.: posted below.

Edited at 2008-05-22 09:20 pm UTC

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[info]9000
2008-05-23 01:28 pm UTC (link)
Sure: 'thou' is not colloquial, it can't slip from tongue by mistake.

BTW, the rendition in the post is nice, but somehow changes the mood of the original. In original, the small uncontrolled utterance is due to relaxation, loss of constant petty self-control. In the translation, the slippage is due to some strain, or so it seems to me. These nuances are so hard to convey.

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[info]tacente
2008-05-22 09:14 pm UTC (link)
A no-brainer.

A formal "ты" with gentle "вы"...

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[info]rukenau
2008-05-22 09:16 pm UTC (link)
Yeah, you're right.

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[info]tacente
2008-05-22 09:15 pm UTC (link)
Ой, кстати, переводил-то русский кто-то явно.

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[info]rukenau
2008-05-22 09:16 pm UTC (link)
О унижение!

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[info]tacente
2008-05-22 09:18 pm UTC (link)
:-)

Оно очень хорошо. Я не сразу догадался.

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[info]rukenau
2008-05-22 09:20 pm UTC (link)
Да нет, не очень оно хорошо. Просто я увидел вот этот перевод:

She substituted, by a chance,
For empty "you" -- the gentle "thou";
And all my happy dreams, at once,
In loving heart again resound.
In bliss and silence do I stay,
Unable to maintain my role:
"Oh, how sweet you are!" I say --
"How I love thee!" says my soul.

-- и он мне сильно не понравился.

(http://www.poetryloverspage.com/yevgeny/index.html)

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[info]tacente
2008-05-22 09:22 pm UTC (link)
Ну гораздо лучше все равно. Трудная задача, конечно.

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[info]rukenau
2008-05-22 09:29 pm UTC (link)
В порядке залатывания с готовностью открывшихся на самооценке дыр я приму характеристику "лучше" на свой счет... :)

А вообще - ведь давал же себе зарок не связываться со стихами, в самом деле.

Edited at 2008-05-22 09:29 pm UTC

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[info]tacente
2008-05-22 09:22 pm UTC (link)
Кстати, кланяйтесь и передавайте поздравления.

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[info]rukenau
2008-05-22 09:30 pm UTC (link)
Ох, не треснуть бы по шву!

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[info]neiztvoegorebra
2008-05-23 05:42 am UTC (link)
"Пустое "вы" сердечным "ты" она, обмолвясь, заменила"?

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[info]zauberer
2008-05-23 06:29 am UTC (link)
Здорово, хотя по первым двум строчкам я не сразу в ритм въехал.

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